Opinion & Comment

Heart-Healthy Diet Doesn't Deter Yankee Chiggers

APPALACHIAN NOTEBOOK, BY STEVE ODEN

Memo to my friends and fellow Tennesseans:

The War Between the States continues north of the Mason-Dixon line, and I am the latest combat casualty. At least, I know a little more about the Yankees who befriended me. I am wounded but still proud that cornbread and beans courses through my veins. . . although it is my southern eating habits that dealt me a blow.

"Your cholesterol is very high," scoleded the clinic nurse at a local health fair. I had availed myself of a free screening - blood pressure, blood sugar and cholesterol - on the theory that I wouldn't face interminable hours in a doctor's waiting room, rifling through very old magazines and watching the clock on the wall creep past my appointment time.

"You need to see a doctor," the nurse said.

A few days later, I was trying to decide which three-year-old magazine to read, while the clock on the wall showed that the physician was an hour late on his appointment schedule.

When I finally got in to see him, he said, "your cholesterol is very high." Those words seemed familiar, but I retorted, "but my blood pressure and blood sugar are those of a young man."

Doc looked over the top of his glasses at me. "Granted, those test results are below the average for your age group, but your cholesterol level could be compared to the density of concrete. What types of things do you eat?

"Cornbread, beans, fried pork chops and sweet tea," I explained. "Doesn't everyone?"

Well, my diet now has been severely restricted. The doctor put me on a fish, skinless chicken, raw vegetable and carrot juice diet. I am allowed the occasional piece of fruit, and sometimes a treat: unflavored low-fat yogurt and baked beet chips.

Baked beet chips are a particularly loathsome Yankee invention. This food should be outlawed as cruel and inhumane punishment in the Geneva Conventions. Tear off a piece of cardboard box, flavor it with turpentine, and youÕve got your basic baked beet chip. And, let me tell you, a dish of baked beet chip nachos, topped with low-fat yogurt and a salsa of pickled relishes is not something youÕll ever crave (a word of warning: You will not be polite company for several hours after eating this dish, so stay to yourself and avoid embarrassment).

The doctor also urged me to exercise daily. "Walking is excellent exercise," he said, "and I donÕt mean walking from the couch to the kitchen."

So, I started what is called the Ohio River Beet Chip Diet, along with a regimen of brisk foot work. My walking path was on a trail in a wooded 20 acres. This is where I learned that Yankee chiggers still lust for the blood of hapless Rebels.

At least three crops of chiggers invaded around my ankles, waged a bite-and-burn campaign above my knees and even higher, finally bivouacking in the sensitive battleground between my thighs and naval. This case of chiggers was the worst IÕve had since being attacked in Mexico several years ago.

I can only hope that the high cholesterol level of my blood will cause the irritating pests to have heart attacks. Around a group of my Yankee friends, I loudly complained while scratching at places best left to your imagination.

They laughed heartily at my discomfort, but offered a Yankee chigger-fighting tip.

"Get a bottle of fingernail polish, and dab it on each chigger bite. Let the polish dry. It will suffocate the little buggers," said a sympathetic Appalachian Ohioan.

"What about the places where I canÕt see or reach?"

This is when I learned their sympathy ended with advice. They shared nervous, sideways glances, and one said, "we canÕt help you there." I was relieved, however, to learn these men, although pedigreed Yankee Buckeyes, were . . . well, regular guys.

"YouÕd have been a little concerned if one of us had offered to apply fingernail polish to those parts of your body," observed an individual in the group, "and we would have been a little worried about you, too, if youÕd accepted the offer."

So, I have been to the corner pharmacy and a hardware store. My purchase included six bottles of clear fingernail polish and a hogÕs bristle paint brush. The brush, like the ones used to coat walls, will allow me to apply the polish in a wide swath on those areas I can neither see nor reach to dab.

It is my earnest prayer that the Yankee chiggers will be defeated and that the South will rise again. . . after the swelling goes down and the welts from my scratching fade. if this doesnÕt work, I plan to smear a paste from baked beet chips and low-fat yogurt on the bites and see what happens.